{{NSFW}}
It’s April 1st.
Today, I Hate Everything—a popular(?) YouTuber—has finally decided to upload arguably his most requested video ever: ''I HATE MARS BARS''. Everyone was pretty excited when they saw it in their subscriptions, including me. The thumbnail was rather strange, however—it appeared to be a crude illustration of a tombstone (with “R.I.P. IHE” written on it) and the night sky; in front of the tombstone was a giant, unopened (for the lack of a better word for “not yet unwrapped”), bloody Mars bar protruding from the ground, possibly indicating that I Hate Everything was pierced by a giant Mars bar, resulting in his demise. It doesn’t even have the IHE face or “I HATE” at the top left.
So I click the video, and it doesn’t feature the warning at the beginning for some reason—y’know, the one where it warns you not to get your [random noun] in a twist since it’s only his opinion. It doesn’t have the intro either, with the elevator music playing as the title of the video appears. Quite odd thus far.
Judging by the video’s date, these peculiarities obviously must be for a reason. Anyway, on with the video itself. It starts off by IHE saying he has some bad news.
Usually he’d have the semi‐animated IHE face floating around with the black/red “crumbled paper” background, but for some reason, he went back to using the near‐fully animated avatar with the torso and arms (and it’s the one with the triangular nose which he used previously, not the 2014 one with the blocky head and small face), which is in the exact center of the video here. The background is pitch black. There also appears to be no editing so far, save for the IHE avatar animations. No background music either.
Sarcastically, IHE says he really finds the Mars bars jokes funny and “definitely not flogged like a dead horse”, and releases a forced, nervous laughter whilst slowly clapping his hands (even using new animations to make his avatar clap). He then immediately snaps, and criticizes his fan‐base for being “utterly cancerous”. His avatar’s skin suddenly turns significantly redder. He rambles about it for a good five minutes, still with a black background devoid of any editing (except for the animations). However, at a random point during his rant—maybe around 3 minutes in—typical (and slightly psychedelic) ’70s porno music begins playing for some reason. It’s barely audible, especially with IHE’s aggressive rambling.
To be fair, I still find this more enjoyable than some of IHE’s other videos, but it just… doesn’t feel right. IHE looks and sounds too angry here, and there’s supposed to be way more editing than this, and at least a background as well. The music choice here is also vastly different.
Anyway, right after the 5‐minute ramble of him bashing his own fan‐base (even comparing it to more infamous fan‐bases), something surprising happens. Before IHE could finish his last sentence in his rant, it very abruptly cuts to real‐life footage. IHE’s avatar disappears, and the music cuts off. It’s video of IHE in real life, talking to Ruben and Jamie from JAR Media, except IHE’s actual face is clearly shown. For the sake of being a dick, I won’t go into detail on his appearance. They seem to be discussing one of IHE’s older videos for some reason (specifically ''I HATE GEORGE LUCAS''), and Ruben claims to have been offended by it. Alex just calls him “butt‐hurt”.
Pretty weird that IHE would reveal his face in a video like this. Two minutes later, the JAR Media footage cuts to an overly loud montage parody–like clip (again, very abruptly). It made me jump. Even for what I’m guessing is supposed to be a montage parody, this is pretty strange—it’s all just countless rotating/moving Mars bars filling the screen with a white background that you can barely see with all the bars in the way. It plays a distorted, “MLG version” of one of Giygas’ themes, which is what made me jump. I can’t tell if it’s “Fatally Wounded” (not the official name), or the one right after, when Giygas is defeated. Either way, it’s freaky shit.
Right after the montage parody–like thing (which only lasts about 20 seconds), it cuts to static for 3 seconds. You are not gonna like what happens next.
After the static, IHE is seen in real life again but this time outside (not in public—it looks like it’s just outside his house, probably in the backyard), bending over with his pants and undies pulled down. Ruben is penetrating him with an unopened Mars bar. IHE is moaning, and appears to be enjoying it. I cringed upon seeing this, wondering what the fuck they were on. But the worst part is that Ruben wasn’t just sliding the bar in and out of his anus—no… he was pushing it in as far as he could. His anus seemingly completely consumed it.
Nobody would’ve wanted to see this shit. Why would IHE upload something like this?
Knowing that IHE enjoyed it, Ruben shoved another one into his anus… and another. How the fuck is this even physically possible? IHE vomited shortly after, but what he regurgitated was… uncertain. It looked like a gooey, orange substance; but it made me sick for sure. IHE uttered something that I didn’t quite understand due to the low audio quality. I ''think'' I was able to make out some of what he said.
Basically, I think he told Ruben that “some lube would’ve been nice”. The video ended.
Ridiculous… I’m happy that IHE revealed his face and all, but that was just… ridiculous, and disturbing. And you know what’s the worst part of all this?
Originally, IHE’s idea of an April Fools’ Day video was pointing out that certain brands of chocolate—including Mars—contain lead and cadmium. This would’ve been funny, because it would’ve been an actual, objective reason for disliking Mars bars (which is not what people would’ve expected), and not just out of personal taste. Talk about wasted potential, huh? Needless to say, the video was soon deleted for violating YouTube’s guidelines, so I was one of the few people who saw it. And what’s even more intriguing… is that the description of the video was nothing but “eat my ass cunt shit dick albino gorilla”.
…
(However, if you want an ''actual'' answer to all this… reread this story. Carefully. You’ll find a little secret. [